Sadness

I think that sadness is so hard to deal with. It is effecting my whole life. I'm amazed at how well my hubby is dealing with me these days. I feel like this infertility thing is really messing with my personality and self-image. I feel like a different person and not one I really like. I pray that I will remember the me that God created not this warped version I see in my mirror.

These days I don't seem to respond correctly to anything. If you are joking with me, I take it personally. If you talk to me, I think you are feeling sorry for me. If you don't, I think I've offended you with all my wierdness. If I see a baby or a family, I'm either happy with hope or depressed with jealousy. Everything feels like a mixed blessing. The holidays are getting harder. All I keep thinking is that our family is incomplete and it's all my fault. It's silly I know.

Prov. 15:13 A happy heart makes the face cheerful but heartache crushes the spirit.

I pray that the joy of the Lord will cover the heartache I have right now. I so desperately want to have a happy heart again. I know I can't fix it on my own. I do truly know that God's timing is perfect. He chooses what to give and when to give it and if to give it. Now I need to make the choice to believe it and live like I believe it.

God I trust you. I thank you for all you have given and all you have not in your perfect wisdom. I praise you in all things. I draw near to you in the good times and the sad ones. I pray for the sadness of my heart to be covered with your joy. I love you!

Life=Cleaning? What?

I so feel like that's all I do with my days off-clean. Clean the carpet, clean the bedrooms, clean the kitchen, clean, clean, clean.

Then I got to thinking. Well, cleaning is what I'm called to do. Not cleaning of my house :) But cleaning of my life. Purifying my heart, cleansing my mind and thoughts, cleansing my speech. God teaches us that we should think of only things that are noble and pure and holy. He says our bodies are His temple. We house the Holy Spirit. So needless to say cleaning is what I must do from the inside out. One of the greatest things I've learned is that He is truly the only one who can clean us. My weak self could never accomplish it. And I'm thankful that all I have to do is follow Him through this.

I'm so thankful for all the gifts He has given me. My life, family, friends, home, work, etc. I'm beginning to see how truly blessed I am. I don't have it all but I have all I need. I pray that each day I will have a heart full of thanksgiving for the precious gifts He's given me. This life is so short, yet this life is only a minute part of eternity with Christ. This part is not the best it's the worst. Yet, while I'm here I have a hard time seeing past it to the real life God has created for me in His Kingdom. I pray that each person I meet knows the love of Christ and will be going to the wonderful eternity He has planned for each of us.

So, the cleansing of my soul I pray will shine through my actions and words. I pray that when others meet me they see Christ. I know I'm not perfect and I make so many mistakes. I just pray that I will surrend my will to God. I pray for cleansing, even when I'm reluctant to change. I pray for people who will nudge me in the right direction and for a willing heart to make the big changes that are needed.

I am so thankful for you God-my Savior, my hope and my purifier. I praise you and worship you alone!

Colossians 3:12-17 Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

These verses rang truth and conviction through my heart this morning. I'm one of those to quick with my thoughts and opinion people. I jump to conclusions without getting all the facts and often won't go clarify because I do not like any kind of confrontation. It's cost me some friendships, sleep, peace and time. Yet if I would learn to slow down and greet each new day as it says in Colossians, I think my life would be completed transformed.

I want to have this kind of attitude and life!

• Compassionate
• Kind
• Humble
• Gentle
• Patient
• Forgiving
• Peaceful
• Thankful
• Loving

I expect others to treat me this way yet I'm not always treating others this way. Jesus lived his life this way in the midst of persecution, busy days, people wanting from him constantly, stress (yet he handled it with peace), tiredness and the salvation of the world on His shoulders. He didn't have any off days where He changed his behavior because he was tired or annoyed. He was and is compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, patient, forgiving, peaceful, thankful and loving at all times-even when he was rebuking. I MUST start relying of Christ for the strength to put these virtues into my everyday life.

Awesome and Holy, Creator of the universe, how I adore you. You alone are worthy of my praise and love. Thank you for sending your Son to die for my salvation. I'm so thankful for your Holy word and your Holy Spirit that you have given me as a guide to my life. I pray for forgiveness as I have not been as compassionate, kind, gentle, loving or thankful as I should be. I pray for a heart that is transformed to your likeness. I need you! I can do none of this alone. My strength comes from you alone. I pray for my actions to align with the truth of your word. I love you!!

My action plan-yep I need one :)

• It's ok to be wrong-apologize and forgive
• Give, give and give-time, words of encouragement, hugs, smiles and praise
• Compassion-take the steps, even when you are uncomfortable
• Be kind and gentle-especially with your words-School is going to be hard but do it anyways
• Show love and thankfulness to all-You have alot of people who need to hear thank you each time they do something kind.
• Forgive-They may not deserve it but neither did you and Christ gave it to you anyway. Return the favor :)
• Peace-Slow down the anger-be compassionate, kind and loving instead

May the love of Christ set you free to lead the life He died to give us!

Love goes on...

God loves me more than I deserve, more than I can comprehend, and more than I can ever return. He asks for so little from me compared to what He has given.

I've been reading in Ruth this past week and have been reminded of His love. His love kept Ruth with Naomi. His love provided for her. His love put Ruth in the family line of Christ just because He loves her and she was obedient to Him. His love restored to Ruth a family-Boaz, Naomi and children. It's amazing that God loves us so much that he takes care of the littlest details of our lives. I am so thankful for His love and provisions in our lives.

I pray today that I will show the love of Christ through my actions to everyone I meet. I pray that my selfish ways do not hinder the love being shown to others. My hubby is amazing at showing love through actions. He is a doer with a servants heart. I pray that his ways will rub off on me. He is such a blessing to my life! I'm a sayer. I tell him all the time that I love him but I wonder if I show him enough. I wonder if I show anyone enough. I pray for a balance of words and actions.

GOD is sooo Good!

Have you ever felt like ya just don't tell God often enough how thankful you are for Him? I feel this way all the time. So here's my solution, I'm going to blog about how amazingly glorious our Creator is! My prayer is that through this process I will draw nearer to the one who loves me unconditionally and wants only to use my life for His greater good.

I love song lyrics. They make me cry, laugh and love. This is what's playing right now...
No heighth, no depth could keep you from my love. No thing you could ever do. No place is to far to keep you out of reach. Nothing can keep my love from you.
How awesome is that! My God is always with me and always loving me! How unworthy I am but how grateful I am for this gift.

One of my greatest weaknesses is insecurity. I feel unloved, unliked and alone. I know this is so untrue but there are times I take my eyes off of God and Satan comes right in to feed these lies. God gave up His Son for my salvation-how much more loved could I be? He made me in His own image-how much more liked could I be? He sent His Spirit to live in me and to never ever leave me-how much more unalone could I be? I am so thankful for His love.

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my teaching life. One of my former students passed away this weekend at the age of 10. He was an amazing child. I taught him in Kindergarten and in 1st grade. I was so blessed by his giving nature, kind heart and sweet spirit. His life was short but he impacted so many. I'm searching for the peace that passes all understanding. His family has lost so much this year. His mom lost a baby a year ago, he passed away Saturday and she miscarried a baby girl on Monday. My heart goes out to them all. I pray that they will draw near to God for comfort and that He will show them how to comfort each other. They have 4 other children as well. I pray for each of them to have people that they can run to for support. Yet through all of this I am reminded of how God has numbered our days and He alone knows the plans He has for us. This sweet child blessed everyone he came into contact with. The love of God shined through him each day of his life. This family has been through so much grief yet they stilll rely on their Maker for comfort and love. I am so thankful for God's plan for our lives.

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about a year now with no luck. I've had surgery and we have been on fertility meds for a couple of months now. As you could probably guess, I'm struggling with this. I feel like a failure as a wife because I can't give my husband the one thing he truly desires. I know in my head this isn't true but I still haven't been able to convince my heart of this truth. This is why I've learned not to put my faith into my feelings because they can be sooo wrong. Today I'm choosing to believe the TRUTH. I have not failed my husband. God IS in control of our lives. His plan is what is best for us. With or without a baby we are still an amazing family with God at the center of it all. God will carry us through this.

I am so thankful for God. He is sooo Good! All the time!!