Sadness

I think that sadness is so hard to deal with. It is effecting my whole life. I'm amazed at how well my hubby is dealing with me these days. I feel like this infertility thing is really messing with my personality and self-image. I feel like a different person and not one I really like. I pray that I will remember the me that God created not this warped version I see in my mirror.

These days I don't seem to respond correctly to anything. If you are joking with me, I take it personally. If you talk to me, I think you are feeling sorry for me. If you don't, I think I've offended you with all my wierdness. If I see a baby or a family, I'm either happy with hope or depressed with jealousy. Everything feels like a mixed blessing. The holidays are getting harder. All I keep thinking is that our family is incomplete and it's all my fault. It's silly I know.

Prov. 15:13 A happy heart makes the face cheerful but heartache crushes the spirit.

I pray that the joy of the Lord will cover the heartache I have right now. I so desperately want to have a happy heart again. I know I can't fix it on my own. I do truly know that God's timing is perfect. He chooses what to give and when to give it and if to give it. Now I need to make the choice to believe it and live like I believe it.

God I trust you. I thank you for all you have given and all you have not in your perfect wisdom. I praise you in all things. I draw near to you in the good times and the sad ones. I pray for the sadness of my heart to be covered with your joy. I love you!